They're not breasts, they're props!

And so I introduce you to the crazy world of amateur theatre.

I am currently playing Yum Yum in The Mikado and, to the intense fascination of my non-theatre friends, I have to kiss someone who isn't my husband. *Gasp*

Luckily my husband has kissed quite a few women on stage (including me) and couldn't care less.

He even went to far as to provide a packet of breath mints to help the cause.

Nanki Poo (the character I kiss) is far from the first fellow I have pashed on stage but kissing on stage is always a weird thing, and it is even weirder when you have been married for a while and therefore only kissed one person for years and years and years.

Perhaps I am just out of practice.

Still, as long as you follow the unspoken ettiquete of kissing someone you aren't attracted to, just because the script said you should, everything will be fine.

On-stage kissing ettiquete:
1. Brush your teeth
2. Your tongue should at all times stay in your own mouth
3. Close your eyes (like the situation isn't weird enough already)
4. Don't move your head too much
5. Don't push your faces together too hard
6. It will be easier if you work out which side your heads are going to go to first, yes I know it will be a strange conversation but believe me it is worth it.
7. It will look more realistic if your bodies touch. I know you're only acting but people who are actually attracted to each other generally let their bodies touch when kissing.
8. If you possibly can, try to have your first kiss away from the rest of the cast. It is just less embarrassing.

Honestly, it doesn't need to be that big a deal and most theatre people are pretty touchy-feely anyway but I do think the best attitude to take is this ... on stage having your butt grabbed, your boobs fondled or your lips kissed by a relative stranger is all part of the job.

So be business like about it ... and just imagine how Sharon Stone and Michael Douglas must have felt when they were filming Basic Instinct!